Tag Archives: Burnt

This was chicken…

16 May

No really it was. Once.

And now it’s not. And it’s not tea either.

What a waste.



Pancake Deja Vu

10 Feb

Another classic Pancake Night round Alice Can’t Cook Towers.
It’s the same every year so I won’t elaborate but the pictures tell the same old story:
CAKEFullSizeRenderIMG_5809Not sure why I keep bothering, why I think every year might be different? But I have to, I love pancakes, really love them. One year will by MY year…

For the full terrible pancake story read about the night I live tweeted Pancake Night 2014 from my kitchen with the usual results here!


Cauliflower gets a pizza the crappy action!

5 Oct

You know I love jumping on a bandwagon, I feel left out if I’m not giving the latest thing a go. And so this week I was eager to trial the new cauliflower pizza that everyone is so keen to talk about. This is a gluten free, carb less, low calorie version of the classic pizza just using cauliflower as the base – no really it’s not a joke, if you haven’t heard of it then where have you been? (Probably enjoying real pizzas from Dominos?)

Anyway my friend at work Kate had made one with much success and I enjoyed a cold slice of it myself in the office. If mine could taste half as good as hers then I could be onto a winner. And maybe even save myself a few calories and some wheaty bloating whilst still getting to enjoy pizza goodness.

You use cauliflower rice (yes this is also a thing) which is just washed florets whizzed up into crumbs. OR you can buy ready made pots of it in Tesco…. don’t judge me I don’t own a food processor (and probably with good reason). You heat this ‘rice’ up, squeeze out the moisture (which takes forever and really burns your hand if you use kitchen roll) and bind it with eggs and some cheese and seasoning. This makes up some kind of dough mixture that you can spread out into your pizza base:


Simply put your ‘pizza dough’ onto a baking sheet and bake in the oven until crispy. Here is mine going in and I’m feeling reasonably confident at this point. And I still was when I pulled it out because it looked round and golden and edible. Could I have made my first pizza base? With cauliflower?

I eagerly went to lift it from the paper so I could cool and spread my toppings over it – I had even made my own tomato sauce (don’t be impressed – tinned toms with mixed herbs).
BUT I hadn’t counted on this happening:


The base had stuck to the baking paper! I mean how does that even happen? Doesn’t this paper have one job to do? Apparently you are meant to grease the paper first? But how do you know how to do that? Where do they even teach you to do that? Did I miss that day at life school?

I was appalled but desperate not to waste all I had already worked so hard for. so I tried to scrape what I could from the traitorous paper and this was my base.

I didn’t have high hopes for my pizza after this. Look how anaemic it looked. I baked it for a bit longer and ended up with this:


That is not a pizza base by anyone’s standards. CAULIFLOWER CAN GO TO HELL! Or at least back into some cheese sauce where it belongs.

Still… I’m nothing if not tenacious (and I hate waste) so I spread my homemade tomato sauce over it followed by some grated onion and carrot (as I said I hate waste) followed by a whack load of cheese because that could only help right?

Of course the pizza base was so depleted by this point the overflowing toppings (made for a far larger and more robust base) remained raw whilst the bottom turned into a vegetable crisp.


I could have cried. It actually tasted of very little indeed, cardboard maybe? With some raw onion. Not sure. Suffice to say I won’t be trying this again and would much rather get that number for Dominos off you. Cheers.

Liked that? Did you read about the time I made spaghetti with courgettes? Courgetti? I know right. That was crap too! Maybe these healthy alternatives are not for me. Sigh…

Another Stab at Chicken Risotto… this time I’m done!

29 Apr

I love risotto – who doesn’t? But how on earth can anyone actually make it, at home, themselves, without going to a restaurant or getting it out of a packet? It just does NOT COMPUTE.

Anyway – I have a history with this favourite rice dish, in that I just can’t make it.  My previous attempt turned into cement that you could actually hold above your head in a pan without it moving a millimetre. You can read about that poor slice of sludge here!

My most recent attempt wasn’t much better, this was another try using chicken and this time some red pepper too. Despite doing the recommended pouring and stirring I still managed to miss the sweet spot when you can reasonably call your dish a risotto before the rice sucks up ALL OF THE MOISTURE IN THE WORLD and turns into porridge.
chick1It actually made a rather good chicken fried rice though. So all was not lost.

Although I managed to kill yet another poor pan. I worry they’re all going to leave home one day. Look at what I do to them here and here!

The pan just about survived to live another day – my desire to perfect a risotto however is DEAD. I’m done.


Dried not Fried Bread

25 Apr

How do you make fried bread? Or even how do you fry bread?

I thought it would be simple just add a slice of your finest white to a frying pan of hot oil. Doesn’t the name kind of give it away? Fried Bread?

It’s a breakfast staple and I assumed as easy opening a tin of beans to go alongside it but apparently not. I’m not usually a fan of such a greasy unhealthy item – which is why I probably have no idea how it’s made – but thought I would give it a go.

Anyway apparently it’s not as simple as I assumed – silly me. Because judging by the dry, faintly scorched slice I managed to create you probably need a deep fat fryer? Or probably a LOT more oil than I used which means I really probably will never eat the stuff again, let alone try to make it.

BUT if you want some oily toast then I’m your gal:


Baked Beans Baked

13 Mar

FullSizeRender-3So this has happened.

Apparently you CAN’T cook baked beans in an oven. The clue is NOT in the name, they DO NOT like being baked.

They are already baked beans. So folks please do not bake your beans, or you too will end up with this bean pancake. Which is far removed from nice baked beans.

I really hope someone somewhere is learning from my mistakes?



Dark Side of the Pizza

24 Jan

Hello and Happy New Year, if it’s not too late to wish anyone that? Sadly Christmas has been and gone since I last posted here. But guess what? I cooked dinner on the big day and no one died. But do you know what has died a little bit? This blog. I just haven’t had the time. No really in the last few months:

  • I’ve been ill. Properly unable to walk and breathe ill
  • I am doing final edits on my proper big novel, and that’s 85k words long. Phew!
  • I’ve written lots of other blogs for Metro
  • And I have two jobs, two dogs and a schoolboy

Anyway, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just busy!

I haven’t done an awful lot of cooking recently so there hasn’t been much to report on (and I was so consumed with cooking Christmas dinner I kind of forgot to take any photos but trust me it was GOOD), however you’ll be glad to know that we had a little mishap recently with the most basic of items – the frozen pizza. My son loves them bless him.

He doesn’t however like them burnt to a black crisp. This is just a simple matter of not having the oven on too high and keeping an eye on it, I failed. And so I present to you The Dark Side of the Pizza – so called because some creative souls on Twitter alikened it to The Sun or a Burning Star – which I thought was quite poetic really:


I’m Toast!

13 Oct

Yeah, I’ve still got it. Look:


Sorry for radio silence recently, we have a new little puppy called Robert who is taking up lots of my time. But look at the sweetness:

photo 1And I am writing lots for Metro about lots of TV shows – here – so am feeling almost as burnt out as that toast… which of course went into the bin. Yeah, I’ve still got it.


My Life in a Pan

15 Sep

My life in the kitchen summed up in one picture:


This is a Le Creuset, apparently indestructible and a pan you should be able to keep and use for life.
Well this has been through the dishwasher countless times, has been bleached, boiled, hung out to dry, scrubbed, beaten and cried over. And yet it still retains a burnt patina.

My crap cooking super-power laughs at your durable pan.

It was bread sauce by the way.

Another Classic

2 Apr

Ah my Signature Dish has let me down!

Well I might have let myself down by spending too long in the bath.
chickDoesn’t look good does it?
Tasted ok though, so I suppose presentation isn’t everything.

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